| I've got nothing |
[Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 @ 7:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Distant |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I've Got Nothing - Chart Jackers |
] |
Quick note that I've just suddenly thought about due to watching Youtube videos of all things...
The internet and computers, in all of their wondrous glory, make life difficult for people like myself. I am the type of person who requires inordinate amounts of physical contact on a rather frequent basis, but for reasons based entirely on the shoulders of technology, the closest of my compatriots (AKA friends) are currently locates several thousand miles away if not on other continents entirely. This leads me to, from time to time, feel rather lonely in the world due to the fact that I often measure my "incoming love" by how often someone has hugged me. This is not to say that I don't love and feel the love offered by those such as my dear Beks and Suzzie (who have never had the chance to hug me) just that I need to use a different definition of love to translate the only method they have of loving me into something which "computes" for lack of a better word.
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but at least I know what I'm talking about...I hope...
ja ne
P.S. In case you're worried that I'm depressed right now and that's why I'm typing this, I'm not...just overly thoughtful and in the middle of a Youtube binge
P.P.S For some reason that I believe to be at least partially related to this topic, I now have the song "Never gonna give you up" stuck in my head...
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| This table is covered with my hands and broken bottles.... |
[Friday, November 20th, 2009 @ 6:00am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Behind Closed Doors - Rise Against |
] |
It is past 6am and, for some ungodly reason, I am still awake and, for reasons even further beyond my comprehension, I am on my journal...I make no sense...
Anyway, I think I'm going to take the time tonight to say a few things I've been thinking about and maybe just talk about my life at the moment.
First, I would just like to mention that med school takes a lot of time. I know that you all get this already, I haven't been on here in ages and that most likely makes that fact rather obvious, but I don't think that people can fully appreciate how little time you actually have. I used to always think that people who were in med school and were complaining about how little time they had were just overly zealous about their schoolwork or were paranoid about making it through and that it couldn't actually be that hard for someone who was both intelligent and rather laid back about how they lived...but I was very, VERY wrong. I this last week (during which I have been on break) I have discovered something rather disturbing. I haven't had the time to FEEL in the last three months.
I'm sitting here in my living room watching NCIS and Bones and I have suddenly realized that I haven't felt truly sad or truly happy or anything since about week four of school. It's rather pathetic when I look back on it, but I've been so busy reading books and thinking about bones and muscles that I haven't actually had time to stop and think about things that make normal people feel. I don't think it's a position that most people can fully understand without being there, but I trust that most of you will have some sort of empathy in this regard.
So...moving on to other topics...
I really need to get back into the habit of writing on here more often, or at least more often when I'm on break and have the time. I also need to get back into writing. I have so many pages of random scribbled ideas and plot lines everywhere but I keep refusing to work on them unless I have the time to make decent progress which I haven't had in ages...not since I was back in my undergrad I would say. I hate lacking in time. I wish I had five lifetimes to do what I want to do, not have to worry about money or pain or loss just so that I can do what I want to do...sometimes living in the real world is a real pain in the ass. Scattered around my apartment and my computer are dozens of scribbled notes to myself, only some of which are legible and only some of those make even the slightest bit of sense. Inspirational thoughts that came to me while I was studying and now I can't even be certain where I was going with some of them. Hopefully I can use them to even some portion of the potential that I'm sure they could have had if I had written them when I first thought them.
Looking back on that paragraph I'm not sure how much sense it made, but I'm either too lazy to change it or just prefer to free-write tonight...I'm not sure which.
I just found a card that says "I rarely receive thanks for the things that I do, but that is okay in the end. What bothers me is when my oppinion is shot down with no reason or, even worse, when my personal feelings are somehow an insult even though all I've done is told you how you have hurt me."
I'm assuming this was something I planned on writing about in here several weeks ago but I can't entirely remember what prompted it.
Wow...after 6:30 and I'm still up...I should go and at least do something productive if I'm going to stay up past dawn...
Trolls in the dungeon...thought you'd like to know...
ja ne
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| Beavers for Bush? |
[Wednesday, November 11th, 2009 @ 12:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Lori from the Beaver Bunch |
] |
Is it a bad thing that ,despite having to be awake in 5 hours to go take a test, I have taken a break from studying by watching the most inspirational group of lesbians ever on Youtube?
I thought not...at least not in this group of people.
In case anyone was wondering, the group I'm referring to is the Beaver Bunch, a group of adult lesbians/trans FtM who wanted to come out and make a video for every day of the week to help young gay people accept themselves and feel good about themselves. Here is a link if you like...I need to go to bed.
http://www.youtube.com/user/beaverbunch
Night!
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| Stop looking for reasons... |
[Friday, October 30th, 2009 @ 12:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 SATAN!!! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Click click click... |
] |
I'm freezing.
Halloween is Saturday.
I have yet to finish my costume.
I haven't studied since Wednesday morning because of it.
I have apparently lost the ability to fall asleep before 1am (More likely 2).
Something has compelled me to do this entire entry in bullet points.
I feel like I'm writing a telegram...Stop...
I just realized that I don't even think when I'm typing anymore.
I guess that makes me a child of the technological revolution.
Has just added one more friend on Skype and needs to remember to actually log on more than once a month.
Can't wait for the quarter to be over.
Went out to the bar last night with several of his classmates.
Had a wonderful time.
Got his ass slapped...twice...is not entirely sure by who but knows they were male and very...enthusiastic.
Wound up talking all night to two people he assumed would be "Pretty and Popular" AKA "Bitchy and Snobish" but were actually very friendly and offered him a room for if he couldn't drive home...which he could...
Is not entirely sure where he will wake up Sunday morning.
Should go to bed...
ja ne
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| Oh Cruel Irony... |
[Sunday, October 25th, 2009 @ 1:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
-Has just discovered one of the hottest men on Youtube..and he used to be a woman-
......why is life cruel to me?...
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| I sleep alone, and I cry alone...Lord, I don't want to die alone... |
[Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 @ 8:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cynical |
] |
-Really should stop updating facebook when he's upset...-
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| I have secrets... |
[Saturday, October 17th, 2009 @ 10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
Mixed emotions are never fun...
Things I likely shouldn't talk too much about as I'M supposed to be the psychologist of the group, not any other way around, but sometimes I think too much and need to type things out or talk things our or listen things out (Yes, that does work even if you don't get it).
Being in a new place, around new people, with new reactions, requires that I watch again...that I learn again...that I heal again. Not that I mind the healing, but it's never fun to feel someone else hurt as they remember the things they never got over the first time 'round.
I can see the scars, emotional and otherwise...it's almost always annoying to the other person involve, but it can even be annoying to me. Knowing the things they don't want me to know just by watching. Remembering my own past, all the things I fight...ll the things I fear...all the things I'll ever do again...all the secrets I still keep.
Fun times all that...I realize I sound like the biggest Emo kid ever...but sometimes my mind gets the better of me.
Luckily for you all, I never go back on a promise...so I promise you this right now.
Ask me anything you want, anything at all, as long as it's a comment to this entry I will answer it 100% truthfully no matter how much I don't want to. I'm sure I'll hate myself for this in the morning, but whatever. Be careful, though...I'm the king of loophole :P
ja ne
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| There was an old man who lived by the sea... |
[Thursday, October 15th, 2009 @ 3:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
Ugh...
I'm alive, I swear...
School is like a never ending finals week. We have a major test every week because they "don't want us to fall into the trap of procrastination"...some of us would have preferred threats of gunfire in class...
Also, I feel like a horrible person. Today, during our anatomy lecture, I kept falling asleep due to lack of sleep last night. On top of that, When I wasn't asleep all I could think about was the fact that my heartburn was worse than it's ever been. Eventually I just left and skipped the last hour of class because I needed meds...I'm not a bad person, am I?
Ugh...I think I'm going to go lie down for a bit and then hopefully study or some such.
Until later...
Ja ne
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| Scatter, Senbonzakura... |
[Thursday, October 1st, 2009 @ 1:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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lethargic |
] |
Lots of stuff on my mind recently and, sadly, I don't really want to blog about most of it. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but more because I'm just that tired anymore. I've been thinking about doing video blogs again for that reason but doubt that anyone would really be all that intrested...I'm not very appealing on camera.
So...Things on my mind. First off, hormones are the devil. Gurpreet (my new best friend at my med school) and I have bee swooning over separate guys for the past two months, but in her case her guy is all stoic and focused so much on his work that we don't think his mind even registers "sex" as an option at the moment. My guy, on the other hand, is ambiguous about his sexual orientation at best but beyond that I don't think he really knows I exist. Romance, in all of its various shapes and sizes, sucks...
School is going well, despite the fact that I'm apparently losing my mind. Sunday says I should talk to a counselor or some such and see if I really do need help. Normally I would take that a some form of insult, but in her case (seeing as she just did the same not to long ago and claims to feel much better about herself on the meds) I'm inclined to trust her. But at the same time I'm afraid that A)any mark of psychosis on my record will hurt my chances of getting licensed as a doctor and B) the meds will mess with who I am, if they put me on any.
Anyway...moving on...
There a shirt that I've wanted for awhile now when I saw it in a picture online, but now I've found it and I'm thinking of getting it. It just says "Jesus was Wrong" in fancy letters...I want to wear it around the mormons at my school...there are soooo many mormons here...
Lastly, I have a website for you. I warn you ahead of time, though, that this website is not safe around young children or those opposed to nudity. I stumbled across it the other day while chain-blogging (clicking on the friend of a friend of a friend etc...) and it is interesting if not slightly disturbing. Essentially each entry is just a single picture and its always a picture of food, art, a boy, or a girl...but the latter two have a tendency to be nude and (in some cases) aroused...
I know you all prolly think I'm completely off my rocker posting this...but I found it intriuiging. So........here you go...
I think that's all for now...
ja ne
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| Just a little late, you found me... |
[Friday, September 25th, 2009 @ 11:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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You Found Me - The Fray |
] |
I tend to dwell...
I've recently come to the conclusion that my sense of humor is apparently missing and jokes that I thought were funny are apparently not only un-funny but actually insulting to people that I thought were friends...
As such I stand back in my shadows and watch as people who I thought were friends curse at my name for reasons they never gave before and tell me to go fuck myself or my ideas or my requests for help and I'm forced to wonder how many more people in my life that I had considered to be friends will, with no explanation and no warning, find me suddenly offensive and vanish into my past, not to be seen in my future...
I work from 8am-10pm everyday on my own schoolwork and still find time each day to answer the phone for several hours, help heal hurts, help fix what is broken, and from time to time simply listen when no talking is needed...yet according to some I am "lazy" and a "self absorbed little prick" so quite obviously I've done something wrong, apparently five hours of sleep a night is too much and my requests for a single hour of free time a day are too grandiose.
I have no reason to believe these accusations, as only I can know what all I actually do in a day, but there is pain to be felt when you look to someone you had once considered a friend for help and their response is to tell you that you are a horrible person and don't deserve to be addressed by them.
So I shall walk on, as always, stoically holding myself up and never looking to anyone but myself for aid because to do so is to make myself the devil himself and to make the rest of the world a martyr for my sake...
If only my life were so simplistically selfish as those average men that walk this Earth...
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| Ravenclaw Round Robin Continued |
[Thursday, September 17th, 2009 @ 12:33am] |
Due to the fact that IJ apparently has a limit to how long an entry can be, I am forced to continue posting this in a new entry. Please find the first two chapters in the previous entry.
( Chapter Three - Bekkah )
( Chapter Four - Emma's Encore )
( Epilogue )
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| Ravenclaw Round Robin |
[Thursday, September 17th, 2009 @ 12:31am] |
Well, here it is. The Round Robin fic done by myself, Bekkah, and Emma in years past. I meant to go through it and edit it for grammar and spelling really quick, but I've realized I just don't have the time at the moment so you're getting it raw.
Also, before we start, could you tell me which email is the right one for you Bekkah so that I can send this through in file format? I seem to have accumulated quite a number for you over the years and I don't know which one is which anymore. Thanks!
Now, on with the show...
( Summary )
( Disclaimer )
( Quick Note )
( Chapter One - Emma )
( Chapter Two - Me )
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| You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy... |
[Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 @ 11:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Yellow Mellow - Magic |
] |
Ok...I have good news and bad news...
Good news: After months of searching I've finally managed to locate all the pieces of the original "Ravenclaw Round Robin" fanfiction piece done up by myself, Bekkah, and Emma of the former community "Hogwartsorting"
Bad news: I don't think we ever actually finished it...lol...
I've come to this conclusion because I've found each individual chapter (First Emma, then me, then Bekkah) and I've found the three parts of the conclusion...but the conclusion doesn't seem to have ever been edited together. My piece and Bekkah's piece are melded nicely (by her hand) in a single work but Emma's is left out in the cold...
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone would want me to post it now that I've found it. I've noted several spelling and grammar errors that I'm sure would make our now older and more educated selves blush, but I could always do a quick edit and put them up if anyone wanted to see them.
Also, if you're still out there Bekkah and University hasn't eaten you, I'm debating whether or not to continue the plot any. I kind of like the storyline...at least what you and I had going though I think Emma was veering away from our sense of taste, but I know you left the ending vague for a reason and on top of that we never really fleshed out the story so I get the feeling I'll just come of as a Mary Sue...or whatever the male counterpart is...
Anyway, that's my news for the night. I was thinking of trying to write something...at least a little poetry or something...but I don't know now...I am going to go find something to do, however. So I'll talk to you all later.
ja ne
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| Some say to survive it you need to be mad as a hatter...Which luckily; I am... |
[Sunday, September 13th, 2009 @ 12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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wonky |
] |
I hate my muse as of late. It decides to arrive sometime around midnight when I would normally be heading for bed and not leave me alone for several hours. Take, for instance, tonight...I'm exhausted from studying biochem and was going to relax a bit before bed so I decide to head over to PostSecret and check out the new secrets for bed but now I just keep having one-liners running through my head in the style that most people are forced to write their secrets out in (due to the fact that they're on postcards) and it makes me want to write something, but I'm rather tired and wouldn't even know where to begin. You all saw how my mind works a few entries back...it's not exactly linear and...
...
...
...
...
Sorry...I just remembered that I had to send an email and now I've forgotten what I was going to write about.
...
...
...
Oh yes...my mental processes. Not the most linear things in the world which tend to make it difficult to write because I will start writing one story and then realize that a certain phrase or scene or character would be great in a completely unrelated story and then I'll sit and ponder over that for a bit and want to get started on this brand new idea but then I'll feel bad about the unfinished stuff (and trust me there's a lot of it) and eventually I just give up because there's too much going on in my head and not enough free time to deal with it.
And to top it all off, most of my free time recently has been taken up with horrible addictions to television shows (namely NCIS, Dr. Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bones, and Charmed) so I haven't actually been writing anything I've just had a lot of very inspiring TV on but I've not been acting on it and I think it's beginning to drive me a bit mad...
Well, I should likely go and do something with myself until I'm exhausted to the point where even my muse can no longer keep me awake. Therefore, I shall bid you all ado until the morn...or sometime thereafter...
ja ne
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| What have you been reading, the Gospel according to St. Bastard? |
[Saturday, September 12th, 2009 @ 1:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hyper |
] |
Okay...I'm bored and it's 1:30AM so I've decided that it's time for an exciting rendition of "Name that Quote"!!!
Rules are simple, I post a bunch of quotes behind the cut and you lot tell me what show/movie/book they are from. Bonus points if you can name the character that said it as well. NO CHEATING (not that I think any of you would...we're a proud and stubborn lot we are)
( You are the Weakest Link )
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| Purple balloons...take that as you will... |
[Thursday, September 10th, 2009 @ 12:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
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artistic |
] |
Tonight is an odd night...at least for me.
Behind the cut is a quick glance at what goes on in my head when the muses strike...or the depression rears up...which are often times one and the same...say hello to my freewrite...
( Others have excuses... )
I think that is all for now. I need to be up in six hours to go to class...this should be fun as I doubt I will actually get to sleep anytime soon...minds are and evil lot...Goodnight...
ja ne
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| Randomness |
[Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 @ 12:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bouncy |
] |
Hmm...
I'm thinking about changing the layout on my journal...or at least changing the picture at the top...but I'm not entirely sure what to change it to yet.
Also, I plan on being on Skype more often in the near future, so those of you who Skype should hit me up, my name is tyrror, and those of you who don't Skype...WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
umm...I think that's about all for now.
Sorry about the short entry, but I wanted to get this up before I forgot and I need to be in class in 20 mins so...yah...
Hope to hear from everyone soon!
Ja ne
P.S. Does anyone have or know someone who has any icons of Hitsugaya from Bleach? I need more icons!
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| men... |
[Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 @ 11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
Always straight or taken...
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| Hiatus... |
[Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 @ 1:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
Just a quick note.
Due to my computer finally being sent in to have its screen repaired, I will be going on a short hiatus from the journal and other such online places until it returns. I will most likely still be updating twitter, facebook, and myspace (via phone) and will have access to email (also via phone) as well as school computers if the need should arise. Until then, however, I wish you all happy days and peaceful nights.
Ja ne
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| Weasles!...I mean...Music!!! |
[Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 @ 3:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Do You Want to Date My Avatar - The Guild |
] |
It has recently been brought to my attention that certain people whom I classify as friends are not well acquainted with certain bands/songs which I feel they should be. As such, I am making this post full of links to such things...I know that Bekkah recently posted the first one, but I feel it is worthy of repeating. The other three are by the same group but I couldn't decide which to post so I chose D) All of the Above...
Do You want to Date my Avatar
The Wet Spots(following three vids)
Public Service Announcement
Do you Take it...
Kinky Neighbors
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